Category Archives: On The Slate
ON THE SLATE — SMELL OF NAPALM (IN MY PANTS) EDITION (03.15.13)Friends, Romans, Liam Neeson’s Kraken, Dolph’s Lundgren, Alan’s fleshy, swinging Arkin, this is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca, this is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met that time we both went looking for Private Ryan. Humping gear across a bombed-out France in our tight-fitting uniforms, clutching our heavy artillery, we came upon the titular private. He was, for some reason, not happy to see us. But, reading letters by candlelight under the stars with Tom Hanks, we shared a series of sweetly-heterosexual adventures and, like in the case of Sean Connery in “Zardoz”, a good time was had by all.
Friends, Romans, vegan hookers, Michael Haneke’s sinewy thighs, Shirley Maclaine’s red carpet, Warren Beatty’s magic balls(“Bulworth for 2016”), this is this is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca, this is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at Bill Clinton’s Oscar after-party. Hillary was not present. Ian McKellen, God love him, let me pass, after making sure I had the right measurements.
Welcome, friends, Romans, Maggie Smith’s pleasure-giving mouth (what, I like the way she talks), Helen Mirren’s celestial orbs, Bradley Cooper’s Mini-Cooper, my erotic E-meter, this is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca, this is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that all-boys boarding school in New England. Do you remember? We had many glorious, positively 100% heterosexual adventures sitting in a dark caves, our hands bumping in the dampness and dew, reading poems through our young and innocent lips. Wait, you weren’t there?
Welcome, friends, Romans, Paul Haggis’ haggis, Dame Judi Dench’s glorious sliver landing strip, Xenu’s shriveled alien testicles, this ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca, this is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met that time at Top Gun. There, I had many heterosexual conquests. (Val Kilmer was not present.) Wait, that wasn’t you? (Maybe Val Kilmer was present.)
Welcome friends, Romans, Oscar pool cheaters, fellow suppressive personalities, John McTiernan jailers, I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at the nunnery, back when I was Sister Ashton Kutcher. But that’s not the point. The point is, that one week we might talk about how J.J Abrams will inevitably franchise your mom, or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as a congressional “aide”. But, before we can begin, there are three things you must know– #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – The other Michael De Luca, is me without the large personality. #3 – Betty White is just your kindly old grandma…in leather.
We are taking a break this week, from smutty jokes and such weighty topics as J.J. Abrams’ quest for franchise domination, to discuss Warren Beatty’s savage 1998 political satire “Bulworth”.
Welcome friends, Romans, lovely fornicators, my Secret Santa, my Secret Santa on the side, that gingerbread man I seduced while dressed like Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct”(I made the Naughty List again), the egg nog I spiked with mescaline, I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at Bill Nighy’s New Year’s Eve Sex Jaunt. There, Nighy appeared in the center of the mansion he calls “Betty White’s Love Tunnel”, stepping out of giant clamshell, nude like Venus, clenching his wrinkled, sultry flesh.
T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even Richard Gere’s gerbil…..
Welcome friends, Romans, Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach, Bowser, Wario, Link, Zelda, Megaman, Ken, Ryu, Seamus, those assholes who made “Street Fighter” the movie, those assholes who made “Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li”, Alan Arkin’s harem, Conan O’Brien, I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met that time you came to my door selling Avon. Sizing up your appearance, I asked, “You’re an Avon Lady?”
Welcome friends, Romans, Mormon strippers, chimney sweeps, hobbit molesters, deposed generals, I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that Willem Dafoe Sex Party. Willem was running around his house naked, shaking Little Willem, shouting, “Who wants to join my platoon?” Tom Berenger, in a bid for relevance, was also skulking around naked bellowing, “I’m Tom Berenger! I’m Tom Berenger! I’m somebody!” His cries (and paunch) went unnoticed. You were in the corner, speaking in hushed tones of a love apocalypse where everyone wore matching blazers. You took me by the hand and led me into the guest bedroom, where, beneath a disturbing photograph of Willem Dafoe and John Malkovich making out on the set of “Shadow of the Vampire”, we….Wait, that wasn’t you? Shit. I should really lay off the appletinis. Wait, it’s all coming back, coming back to me now (in my pants).
Welcome friends, Romans, unlicensed gynecologists, recently-consumed turkeys, amoebas, Chevy Chase, I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that orgy at Dustin Hoffman’s house. (For the record, both Dustin Hoffmans are short.) It was then, dressed like a wrinkly old man with a wrinkly old, ahem, carrot, you approached me, offering to make me to cry out, “Oh shit” while jumping over a waterfall. We then entered a room adorned with (recent) photos of Hoffman prancing around in his “Tootsie” dresses while making pouty faces.
Welcome friends, Romans, closeted Republicans, I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that One Direction concert. Elmo was there, tickling himself silly. So were Bert and Ernie, who were wearing Ed Hardy (like they were fooling anyone, much like guys who wear Ed Hardy). Oscar the Grouch was shaking his can in a manner that would make Tyler Perry hard. While the hunky crew of well-groomed young men onstage belted their way through their cover of “Use Somebody”, you turned to me and said, “I can use one of them…in my pants.
Welcome friends, Romans, George Lucas concubines, I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that Election Night Mitt Romney Suck-off Party at Fox News Headquarters. And, man, was it a nutty scene. Sean Hannity, mistaking me for Alan Colmes, stuck his tongue down my throat. He tried to do something else with his finger, but I stopped him. O’Reilly was stumbling about, masturbating furiously, and moaning about how the Twilight Saga is ending. And Ann Coulter lifted her skirt, and showed me her vagina dentata.
Welcome friends, Romans, male escorts, Michael Bloomberg’s visible press conference erection, I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome… well, you know, we met in church, and by “church”, I mean Helga’s House of Pain. As we hung side by side, suspended from the ceiling by hooks attached to our voluptuous man boobs, you informed me that Disney had purchased Lucasfilm and was planning on making sequels to the original trilogy. “No shit?” I replied in amazement.
Welcome friends, Romans, Justin Bieber impersonators, all five Hollywood Republicans, Kanye West, I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at Rosie O’ Donnell’s Halloween Party. Her costume was terrifying, even more so because she wasn’t wearing one. It was then a group of women with biker belts began to beat me up. As I was pulped, repeatedly, by Melissa Etheridge, I saw you through the carnage and melee (and Rosie’s 700 children) in your Chris O’ Donnell costume. This reminded me of many dark and twisted nights in the 90s, where I used to pretend to be Al Pacino and let loose some of my hoo-hah.
Welcome friends, Romans, Scientologists, massage parlor owners, Big Bird, I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at Michael Caine’s house. I remember everything being cool, for the most part. Sir Michael was most genteel, the perfect portrait of an English gentlemen, telling stories of Shelley Winters…
Welcome friends, Romans, pornographers, assorted guests, male escorts, I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that Fifty Shades of Grey party. I showed up with my monochrome collection of paint swatches. You moved towards me past the young man dressed as the Dutch Boy being spanked. You led me by the hand into a dark room of grinding people dressed as servants. You pulled off your shirt, made a joke about your Austrian sausage, and told me you always travel through time in the nude.
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that Freddy Mercury Mustache Party. I was wearing biker boots and a red leather harness. You were wearing a cardigan and assless chaps. Suffice to say, we both on had fake Freddie Mercury mustaches. The Rock was walking around exposing his junk, shouting “FLASH –AH-AH…KING OF THE IMPOSSIBLE!”
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that Judi Dench Sex Party. There were many dames (and many queens) there. Keanu Reeves kept propositioning everyone and referring to “the One in his pants”. Tyler Perry spent the whole party down low on the floor. Keanu kept trying to jump his bones, saying, “Come here, Morpheus”. You were in the corner wearing a tux and a steely expression and asked me if I was a cowboy or an alien…
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met in Rupert Everett’s champagne room. Everyone was there: Will Smith, Tyler Perry, John Travolta, and Prince Harry, because, well, he can never keep it in his pants. You serenaded me from across the room with some old ditty about getting me on a “slow boat to China”, I presented you with a flask of paint thinner, we wrestled into the corner, and then we….
