Category Archives: On The Slate
ON THE SLATE WITH MIKE DE LUCA — LION KING IN MY PANTS EDITION (10.07.11)Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that “Fight Club” party. You were Brad Pitt with the erectile hair, I was Edward Norton and was missing some teeth. We went behind the Meat Loaf-shaped meat loaf sculpture, you said, “I want you to hit me as hard as you can”, we knelt down and then we…Wait, that wasn’t you? That wasn’t you who said, “You don’t talk about Fight Club, be we can talk about something else” before unzipping your pants…Shit. I have to stop sleeping with anyone who says they’re Brad Pitt. (Charlie Sheen, you know what you did.) Anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about why casting Russell Crowe as Superman’s dad is a phenomenally bad idea (see above), or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as a Thai ladyboy (I miss my breasts). But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I did not produce a film called “Butter” (but that’s what they called me in college). #3 – The ladies call mine “Mufasa”. Let’s begin…
This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca urging you to see the film “Drive” before reading this tribute. It is a film that, if one were lazy, one could say was a throwback to the neon dystopia of ‘80s crime movies such as Michael Mann’s “Thief” and William Friedkin’s “To Live and Die in LA”. And, on the surface, perhaps it is. But look inside and it is something much, much more. In the first of our Spotlight Series, I give you “Drive”.
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that “Dress Like Keanu Reeves” party. I shaved my head and offered to show what the Matrix was, you said, “Come on my excellent adventure”, we went into “The Devil’s Advocate Pleasure Room of Dirty Al Pacinos”, and then we…Wait, that wasn’t you? That wasn’t you with the blank stare that made me feel me whole, like Sandra Bullock? Shit. I have to stop taking mescaline. Anyway, welcome, sit on my face! (Just kidding.) One week we might talk about how we need a “Footloose” remake like your grandma needs sex (and she really needs sex), or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as a Swedish Maid Penis Enlarger. (That was a long, long time ago, in George Lucas’ bathtub. Don’t ask. Really, I mean it. Don’t ask. Sorry, George, I didn’t mean it. NOOOOO!!!!!! And that’s how “Howard The Duck” got made.) But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I am not producing a remake of “Point Break” (because I love you) – #3 – I did not see “Bucky Larson”, for I value life. Let’s begin…
In yet another commercial break from Hollywood scoops and smutty jokes, we continue our Great Americans series with a look at John Carpenter and his 1988 cult classic, “They Live”.
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that “ALL MALE AVATAR PARTY”. You were dressed as Stephen Lang, I went as Neytiri, with large blue prosthetic boobs. You said, “Show me your Jake Sully”, we went behind the Hometree standee, and then we…Wait, that wasn’t you? Shit. I think I may have actually slept with Stephen Lang. (Sorry, Stephen. Mr. Lang’s representatives have said he’s sorry, too.) Anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about Charlie Sheen and sex with the elderly, or we might offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as Mitt Romney’s sex kitten (got me free healthcare) . But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I am not the producer of “Moneyball” (though Aaron Sorkin can touch mine, what a stud). #3 – This used to be my playground (and then came the lawsuits). Let’s begin…
My fellow Americans, my Canadian friends and Tracking-Board members, welcome to the age of stupidity. Yes, one that even rivals the search and destroy “government stay out of people’s lives unless they’re gay” small penis Bush era mentality. It is not a war on decency, a fictitious “War on Christmas”, or something from the empty-headed fulminations of the Tea Party. No, it is the greatest battle of our times – the War on Subtlety. And nowhere has it struck harder than in the world of film. Yes, it isn’t exactly Darfur at stake here, but to those who care passionately, those who give a shit, it means everything.
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that “Dress Like Madea” party. You wore football shoulder pads and stroked my noticeable stubble. Then we lifted our matching pink chainsaws and had a gander at the furniture. We then went into the “Why Did I Get Married” bondage room, and did like Grannies normally…wait, that wasn’t you? Shit. I have stop setting my fantasies around Tyler Perry movies. Well, anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about why “Cowboys and Aliens” sucks more than your sister with a straw, or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as Rick Perry’s towel boy. But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I am not producing a film called “Little White Corvette” (nor do I have anything little and white on my person). #3 – I will not force you to see “One Day”. (I am a merciful God.) Let’s begin…
White space. A blessing, or a disease? A cure-all for a fast and easy read? Or a soul-crushing killer of creativity that inhibits that most basic form of expression, language? If short, punchy, and easily digestible are the prized traits in the written word of film, why are our gods so damn loquacious? Chayefsky? Serling? Sorkin? All playwrights, you say? Correct! But what do we make of the subject of today’s Great American installment? “The power of Christ compels you” to read on, as we put the spotlight on – William Peter Blatty.
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well you know, we met at that “Predator Costume Party”. I went as Arnold and was slathered in olive oil and camo makeup, you went as the Predator, with the shiniest of dreadlocks, I said, “You remind me of my maid”, you called me an “ugly mother-(expletive)”, we went into the Carl Weathers Sex Tub, had a brief discussion about “Predator” cast member Sonny Lanham’s views on the Arab world, and then we….Wait, that wasn’t you? Then who was in the “Predator” costume? CHARLIE SHEEN? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shit. I have to stop saying “yes” to the first fella in a “Predator” suit. Anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about R.Lee Ermey’s inevitable descent into porn, or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as Herman Cain’s favorite pizza topping. (You remember, Howard? Those candlelight dinners in the Barstow Godfather’s branch? Ah, the memories.) But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I am not producing a project called “ESPN: Those Guys Have All the Fun” (though everyone knows SportCenter is where you get nasty). #3 – Rupert Murdoch likes wookie porn. Let’s begin…
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well you know, we met at that Michelangelo party. I went as David, which is to say, I was exposed. You went in body paint as the Sistine Chapel. You said, “Show me your paint brush”, we went into the Pieta Orgy Room, and then we…Wait, that wasn’t you? Shit. I should have gone to Jean Genet Night. Anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about Zach Snyder’s abundant respect for women, or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as John Boehner’s concubine. (I still have nightmares.) . But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I am not developing a film called “The Big Stone Grid” (my stone could never fit in a grid). #3 – I call mine “Captain America”. Guess what I call the “Captain America 2”? Let’s begin…
Once again, ON THE SLATE takes a break from the sexual metaphors and glib remarks about casting announcements, to give you its second profile of a great American, one of the most celebrated writes of the cinema: Paddy Chayefsky.
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that “Lord of the Rings” Party. I said, “One ring to rule them all”, and showed you my Prince Albert. You said, “Stroke my hairy feet, Sam”. Then you showed me your precious, and then we….Wait, that wasn’t you? That wasn’t you who said, “Touch my evil eye”? Shit. I have to stop to groping myself to Peter Jackson movies. Well, anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about how all it takes is a penis to make a movie about a Fleshlight, or offer up unfiltered commentary on my time as Rupert Murdoch’s mail order bride. But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I am not developing a movie called “War Heroes” (though that’s what I call my boys, all two of them). #3 – I want you to want me (and you know what that means). Let’s begin…
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well you know, we met at that “Twilight Fan Fiction” Party. I was Edward, you were Jacob. Walking past several girls biting their lips, we decided to consummate our characters’ love, finally, as the dawn began to break. I said, “Show me your wolf” and then we… Wait, that wasn’t you? That wasn’t you with the wolf suit and the rippling abs? Shit. I have stop falling sleep, while watching “Twilight” with my hand down my pants. Well, anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about James Franco’s master plan to do everything (including your sister) or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as Frank Oz’s Yoda lightsaber wrangler (he showed me The Force many-a-time, I went down to Fraggle Rock – that’s what he calls it). But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I am not developing a film called “Crossed” (though I do rock a negligee). #3 – I’ll do anything for love, but I won’t do that. (What is “that”, you ask? Well, it involves leather, Captain Crunch, a full box set of the 2nd season of “Lost” and…aw hell, I guess I have done “that”. Oh well.) Now we can begin…
On the anniversary of our nation’s founding, and on the eve of a film about the man, we at ON THE SLATE have taken just this column away from our preferred avenue of smutty humor and news, to honor a great figure not just in the entertainment industry, but American society: Rod Serling.
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well you know, we met on that episode of “To Catch A Predator”. You read me back my web logs, I ate some cookies, you told me your name was Chris Hansen and then we…Wait, that wasn’t you? That wasn’t you who told them to turn of the cameras while we…Shit. I have to stop driving two hours to go to strange houses in Florida. Well, anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about Macauley Culkin’s rippling torso, or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as Michelle Bachmann’s servant of love. But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I did not produce “Blade” (but I assure you mine is long). #3 – Something’s glowing red and it’s not my finger. Let’s begin…
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that “Mommie Dearest” party. I was whipping you with a wire hanger while you were begging my forgiveness. We snuck into the Unkempt Eyebrow Room, and then we… That wasn’t you who refused to be treated like one of my fans? Shit. I have to stop having sex while dressed like dead movie stars. …Anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about how the existence of a Jurassic Park love hotel in Japan is further proof that everyone loves Spielberg movies (some more than others) or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as David Beckham’s ball boy. – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. – #2 – I did not produce “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” (though my inch is angry). -#3 – I have a Tree Of Life (in my pants). Let’s begin…
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well you know, we met in Elton John’s Champagne Room. I was dressed as Queen Victoria, you went as Disco Duck, we went behind the Rocket Man’s Rocket Ice Fountain and then we…did nothing because there is NO sex in the champagne room. ‘Cause Elton’s a classy guy. But I think we dry-humped a little. Wait, that wasn’t you? That wasn’t you who said, “Someone saved my life tonight” before reaching down and grabbing my…Shit. I have to stop using the Rocket Man’s house for some sweet rocket grab ass. Well, now that we’re better acquainted, welcome! One week could talk about what the Green Lantern really symbolizes, or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as Newt Gingrich’s Swedish Maid Penis Enlarger. (Which is my bag, baby.) – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. – #2 – I did not produce “The Mask” (though I do own a leather one.) – #3 – I have the sexual prowess of Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows. Let’s begin….
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well you know, we met at that Anthony Weiner Party. You had yours out, I had mine out, it was a blast. We went behind the Apology Podium, I said, “Arnold, what are you doing here?”, and then all three of us…Wait, that wasn’t you? That wasn’t you with the underwear-clad…Shit. I have to stop sending nude tweets to politicians. In any case, welcome! One week we might talk about how Darren Aronofsky believes Darren Aronofsky should make a $130 million version of “Noah’s Ark” or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as Michael Bay’s house boy . But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. – #2 – I am not developing a movie called “Sex On The Moon” (been there, done that, Aldrin is a stud) – #3 – Billy Burke is not my lover. Let’s begin…
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome… well, you know, we met at that Project Runway Party, I was Donatella Versace with a platinum blonde wig, you said you would show your Tim Gunn, we went into the Heidi Klum-Seal Get Nasty Room and then we…Wait, that wasn’t you? That wasn’t you who said, “It gets better” before pulling out your…Shit. I have to stop having sex with random effete designers. Oh well, there’s always the Gianni Versace Zombie Dance Party. (I do a mean “Monster Mash”.) Anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about Russell Crowe’s Guide To Making Friends and Influencing People With Your Fist, or offering up unfiltered commentary on my days as a man of the cloth. But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. – #2 – I am not developing a movie called “The Reliable Wife” (though I was Arnold’s). – #3 – You were a waitress at a cocktail bar, when I met you. Let’s begin…
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well you know, we met at Bed Bath and Beyond. We ran into each other by that divine display of China tea cups. You doffed your hat and said, “Dr. Hung, I presume”. I said, “You bet your bippy”, we went behind that bathroom mockup and then we…Wait, that wasn’t you? That wasn’t you who said, “Show me your Liquid Plumber”? Shit. I have to stop having anonymous sex in department stores. Well, anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about how Chinese 3-D films will not turn nerds off of blue bodied chicks, or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as Arnold’s love child. Sorry, for legal reasons, I am forced to say “Betty White’s love slave”. Well, not forced. (Love you, Betty.) But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. – #2 – I am not developing a movie called “Money For Nothing” (as I’ll do anything for a buck – and you know what that means). – #3 – My porn name is Mike De Luca (Get on my slate). Let’s begin…
