THE COWBOYS AND ALIENS (IN MY PANTS) EDITION
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well you know, we met at that “Predator Costume Party”. I went as Arnold and was slathered in olive oil and camo makeup, you went as the Predator, with the shiniest of dreadlocks, I said, “You remind me of my maid”, you called me an “ugly mother-(expletive)”, we went into the Carl Weathers Sex Tub, had a brief discussion about “Predator” cast member Sonny Lanham’s views on the Arab world, and then we….Wait, that wasn’t you? Then who was in the “Predator” costume? CHARLIE SHEEN? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shit. I have to stop saying “yes” to the first fella in a “Predator” suit. Anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about R.Lee Ermey’s inevitable descent into porn, or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as Herman Cain’s favorite pizza topping. (You remember, Howard? Those candlelight dinners in the Barstow Godfather’s branch? Ah, the memories.) But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I am not producing a project called “ESPN: Those Guys Have All the Fun” (though everyone knows SportCenter is where you get nasty). #3 – Rupert Murdoch likes wookie porn. Let’s begin…
Peter King, Representative of my home state of New York, is, to borrow the immortal words of George Takei, “a douchebag”. I try not to make it a habit of discussing politics in this column, as not to alienate all 5 Republicans in Hollywood, but Rep. King is the kind of conservative who has a hard-on for hating Hollywood(say that five times fast). In a departure from his usual hobbies, which include fear-mongering and perpetuating Islamophobia, Rep. King is attempting to use Kathryn Bigelow’s new Osama film to attack the Obama Administration. For members of Rupert Murdoch’s empire, it is an expected common practice. We expect his media-mongers to hack cell phones and spout off propaganda, but the goddamn chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee? The bar gets lower and lower. King, in his latest departure from reality, called for an investigation to find out what info on the operation to kill Bin Laden the Obama Administration gave filmmaker Kathryn Bigelow and writer Mark Boal for their film because King feels it might have been classified material. Said King, “this alleged collaboration belies a desire of transparency in favor of a cinematographic view of history.”
To Mr. King’s statement, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney replied, “”We do not discuss classified information. And I would hope that as we face the continued threat from terrorism, the House Committee on Homeland Security would have more important topics to discuss than a movie.”
Here’s my suggestion. As it has become quite clear that Rep. King is unaware that he is, in fact, a douchebag, I urge you all to visit his lovely site and inform him of the truth of his douchebaggery. After all, if Peter King demands transparency from the Obama Administration, then he should come clean and admit once and for, that, in addition to being a member of Congress, he is also a douchebag. After all, by establishing such a discourse, we are upholding the values that make this nation great. And Rep. King, lay off Kathryn Bigelow. It’s not her fault you have a small penis.* Or so I’ve been told.
*In all fairness to Rep. King’s perhaps diminutive or, in fact, considerable member, my fact checker is Nancy Grace. Next!
What did I say about the bar? Right. In yet another bid for artistic respectability, Eddie Murphy has signed to voice the lead in “Hong-Kong Phooey”, the feature adaptation of a Hanna-Barbera series about a dog that gains mystical powers. The dog can walk and talk and wears a costume. This is the true story of Christian Bale. No, it isn’t, but anything else is preferable to another lackluster release from the auteur behind “Norbit”. Give it up, Eddie. We remember the tranny hookers. Moving on….
“M-O-O-N. That spells moon.”
So said the mentally disabled Tom Cullen in Stephen King’s epic novel of humanity’s reckoning, The Stand. The book, which tells of a superflu that kills all save for two groups (one good, one evil), had been previously adapted by King himself as a 6-hour long miniseries in 1994. It starred Gary Sinise, Molly Ringwald, Rob Lowe and the dude who played Dawber on “Coach”. Now, a new whack is being had, and a feature is planned. The question is, how do you condense a novel of over a thousand pages into a single film? Answer: you don’t. Instead, you hire guys who specialize in busting up long-ass material over multiple films. You get the “Harry Potter” boys: Steve Kloves writing, David Yates directing. And, seeing as they are shit out of Deathly Hallows, they seem to have the time. Expect great things. And expect Stephen King to bitch. Next!
In other news, acting legend Stacy Keach has been added to the cast of Tony Gilroy’s “The Bourne Legacy”, you know, the one with Jeremy Renner and no Jason Bourne. Well, at the very least, Keach’s participation will lend it some class. What is that you say? You’ve never seen William Peter Blatty’s “The Ninth Configuration”? It is a master class of the sort of ponderous yet menacing, terrifying yet utterly hilarious writing that only a warped theologian like Blatty could cough up. In the 1980 film, Keach plays Col. Kane, a troubled Marine Corps shrink sent to a mental hospital for Vietnam vets at a castle in the Pacific Northwest. Stacey Keach delivers a performance that is unsettling, moving, and maddeningly human. And Blatty, oh Blatty, we may have to do a column on him in the future. Stay tuned for more goodness.
Until next time, this is ON THE SLATE reminding you not to fear the Reaper, unless he’s me naked with a cowbell. And I can always go for some more cowbell.