THE ARNOLD, JR. EDITION
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome… well you know, we met at Bed Bath and Beyond. We ran into each other by that divine display of China tea cups. You doffed your hat and said, “Dr. Hung, I presume”. I said, “You bet your bippy”, we went behind that bathroom mockup and then we…Wait, that wasn’t you? That wasn’t you who said, “Show me your Liquid Plumber”? Shit. I have to stop having anonymous sex in department stores. Well, anyway, welcome! One week we might talk about how Chinese 3-D films will not turn nerds off of blue bodied chicks, or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as Arnold’s love child. Sorry, for legal reasons, I am forced to say “Betty White’s love slave”. Well, not forced. (Love you, Betty.) But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. – #2 – I am not developing a movie called “Money For Nothing” (as I’ll do anything for a buck – and you know what that means). – #3 – My porn name is Mike De Luca (Get on my slate). Let’s begin…
The Muppets are coming! The Muppets are coming! (No, you sick bastard, that’s not what I meant.) Finally. A new Muppet movie. Yes, I realize “Muppet Treasure Island”, “The Muppet Christmas Carol” and “Muppets From Space” have their defenders, but for me it was always “The Muppet Movie”, “The Great Muppet Caper”(love that Grodin) and, to a lesser extent, “The Muppets Take Manhattan”. “Muppet Babies”, while a great show for its titular demographic, never once made my dreams come true. But my inner Statler and Waldorf aside, I am happy to report that sexy is back, and she’s a pig.
In a natural transition from his “Dracula” puppet opera in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” and work opposite Cameron Diaz, Jason Segel (with “Marshall”/”Get Him To The Greek” director Nicholas Stoller) has written a new monument to the critters of “The Muppet Man”. In the director’s chair, we have “Flight of The Conchords” co-creator James Bobin. And original songs have been provided by “Conchord” Bret McKenzie (but no Jemaine, sniffle). The plot is as follows: Muppet superfan Walter travels to Hollywood with friends Gary (Segel) and Mary (Amy Adams). Together they discover evil oilman Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) wants to demolish the Muppet Theater to tap an oil deposit. To stop him, Walter and friends get the old Muppets back together for a big telethon. Electric Mayhem ensues. And there will be cameos, oh yes, there were will cameos. Everyone from Lady Gaga to Judd Hirsch. And why, my friends, am I bringing this up? Because, after years of speculation, we have our first trailer.
Which takes me back to San Francisco’s Castro Street, where I once made a Rainbow Connection. Next!
My girlfriend. I told you of her first experience watching the Indiana Jones films and then “Ghostbusters”. But there was another movie I was shocked to learn she had not seen, and it made me cry salty tears of shame. One word: “Jaws”. Yes, dear readers, my girl is a heretic. Fortunately, I have the patience of the Dalai Lama, and Charlie Sheen. And I sat her down to watch “Jaws”, which, like “Ghostbusters”, she found to be a metaphor for being trapped in the closet. Unedited for your torture, are her comments:
“Sheriff Brody is so obviously gay. He’s afraid of the water, right? Well, what’s in the water? A giant shark that looks like a penis with teeth! It is it really a coincidence that the movie opens with young woman taking off her clothes and getting attacked by the penis? I think not. And notice how Richard Dreyfuss shows up to take the Sheriff away from his wife. To go on the boat with the butch Robert Shaw – out on the water! The butch Shaw and the sensitive Dreyfuss fight for Brody’s attention, with Robert Shaw eventually getting sucked into the penis, I mean, shark. Once the penis shark that so clearly represents Brody’s internal struggle is defeated, he conquers his fear “of water” and swims for land with his new lover Dreyfuss to brighter shores, free of guilt, free of shame, now secure in his sexuality. And don’t get me started on the cage Dreyfuss hides in. Or when he and Shaw show each other their legs.”
Pity me, my friends. Pity me and buy me a drink. I realize my girlfriend means well. Just don’t ask what “The Big Lebowski” really is. Or what “Pearl Harbor” really stands for. (I’ll give you a hint. Sea men.) Moving on…
In Crazy Old Bastard News, George Lucas is still up to tricks. Yes, the man who made “Howard the Duck”, introducing a generation to interspecies relations, is still talking about “Star Wars” on TV. Why, you ask? He wants your money. But like an uncooperative hooker (and I’ve known many of those) he wants to make you wait to get the goods. What is the problem? Ironically, money. Yes, Uncle George is trying to make the show for “a tenth” of the budget of the films. He’s got 50 hours of material prepared. But are we prepared? Was I ready for Betty White when she robbed me of my innocence? When she took advantage of me with her lithesome thighs? It’s hard to say. Next!
Me and Mr. Snuffleupagas, we got a thing goin’ on. And we know it’s wrong.
Until next week, this ON THE SLATE reminding you, that Harold Camping may not be a prophet, but he is one hell of a stud!
Your Theological Sex Machine,