THE SUPER 8 INCHES EDITION
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well you know, we met at that Anthony Weiner Party. You had yours out, I had mine out, it was a blast. We went behind the Apology Podium, I said, “Arnold, what are you doing here?”, and then all three of us…Wait, that wasn’t you? That wasn’t you with the underwear-clad…Shit. I have to stop sending nude tweets to politicians. In any case, welcome! One week we might talk about how Darren Aronofsky believes Darren Aronofsky should make a $130 million version of “Noah’s Ark” or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as Michael Bay’s house boy . But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. – #2 – I am not developing a movie called “Sex On The Moon” (been there, done that, Aldrin is a stud) – #3 – Billy Burke is not my lover. Let’s begin…
Speaking of Billy Burke and his fantastic mustache (Tom Selleck weeps nightly), the big trailer of the week, so cruelly dwarfed by a certain Weiner, has arrived. I have a mother. Most do. Explains where I came from. One year for my birthday she sent me a copy of “Twilight”, the DVD and the book. Was it a sign I was no longer the favored child? (Probably not. She also sent me a blu-ray of “Watchmen”.) I read the first chapter of the book. It was what it was. Anyway, now we have a trailer for the first half of the series’ final installment, “Breaking Dawn”, in which Kristen Stewart wakes up in Bangkok surrounded by Ed Helms and Bradley Cooper and Robert Pattinson dressed as a Thai ladyboy. And Michael Sheen as a blind, syphilitic monkey. (Okay, from what I hear, it’s nothing like that. But, dammit, it should be!) My mother does look at this column. She wraps vegetables in it. Next!
In yet another classic case of the blind leading the blind, Fox is rebooting Daredevil. After David “Twilight Saga : Eclipse” Slade(still attached as director) gave it the old Weiner try, the writing reins have been passed to Brad Caleb Kane, who was, in fact, the singing voice of “Aladdin”. He is adapting the “Born Again” storyline from the comics, in which Karen Page, the ex-secretary turned heroin addict of blind lawyer Matt Murdock AKA Daredevil betrays his identity for a fix to his archenemy, the Kingpin. Kingpin uses this information to destroy Murdock’s life. Naturally, his first step is to call the IRS. I can see it now: heroin addict (and porn actress) Karen Page is saved from the Kingpin’s clutches by Daredevil, as he sings, “I can show you the world/shining, shimmering, splendid”. Moving on…
In Odd Movie Posters For Unnecessary Remake News, Sony’s international poster for “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” remake/reboot/cash grab raised a few eyebrows, as it features Daniel Craig spooning with a topless Rooney Mara. It’s quite an odd image for a film based on a book that highlights the horrendous sexual violence men inflict upon women. (As you may have heard, the Stieg Larsson novel’s original Swedish title translated to “Men Who Hate Women”.) Sony has been quick to demand said poster be removed from several sites, saying it was not meant for US audiences. But it’s not like we need it. Who needs breasts when you have Anthony Weiner? Next!
In WTF Girlfriend News, my girlfriend, believe it or not, just saw “2001” for the first time. And her take on it was, shall we say, unique. Her, for your reading pleasure are her words – verbatim:
“It’s obviously a story about how, in the future, the human race has gotten to the point where it invents an intelligent supercomputer, only to punish it for being gay. And how does the space program punish it for being gay? By sending two easily threatened astronauts into orbit. You have Frank the macho closeted one who plays conflicted games of chess with Hal the computer, and Dave the sensitive, one (also closeted). When Hal goes haywire, Frank and Dave plot to purge themselves of their desires by unplugging Hal’s circuits. Hal, in self-defense, fights back against the humans, Stonewall-style, but Dave defeats him, anyway. Dave, still conflicted, flies into an alien monolith and becomes a super-evolved creature because, in his mind, being a floating baby in space is preferable to being gay. Such a strange film.”
You think that’s strange? You should hear her take on “Die Hard”:
“A policeman named Al showed him who he was.”
As opposed to her take on “Top Gun”: “There is no subtext.”
Spielberg and television has always been a deft combination. Whether presenting Roy Scheider in a submarine (“Seaquest DSV”) or delivering a 10-part miniseries of Roswell “history” (“Taken”), the man has demonstrated his ability to turn television into something epic. And now, he has two new projects about to unfurl: “Falling Skies”, a TNT series about alien invasion and our inevitable salvation by Noah Wyle, and the one I have my eye on, “Terra Nova”, about humans traveling from a wrecked earth back into time to set up a colony during the prehistoric era. Where they can hunt dinosaurs. And, “The Lost World” withstanding, we know dinos are Spielberg’s bread and butter. Created by Craig Marcel and Kelly Silverstein, it features Jason O’ Mara (the American “Life On Mars”), British actress Shelly Conn, and Stephen Lang not-at-all typecast as a grizzled military badass. You had me at Spielberg and dinosaurs (suck on that, Terrence Malick). You can find the trailer here. Next!
In case you feel deprived, here’s the trailer for the new Channing Tatum-Rachel MacAdams joint “The Vow”. Because it’s meaningful.
Until next week, this ON THE SLATE reminding you that if you’re approached by man who says he’s James Bond, you may be getting hustled.