THE WORLD ISN’T YOURS EDITION
Welcome, readers. I’m Mike De Luca and this is ON THE SLATE. This is where we talk about what’s hot, what’s not, what’s overrated, what’s underrated, what’s awful, what’s awesome…well, you know, we met at that “Dress Like Keanu Reeves” party. I shaved my head and offered to show what the Matrix was, you said, “Come on my excellent adventure”, we went into “The Devil’s Advocate Pleasure Room of Dirty Al Pacinos”, and then we…Wait, that wasn’t you? That wasn’t you with the blank stare that made me feel me whole, like Sandra Bullock? Shit. I have to stop taking mescaline. Anyway, welcome, sit on my face! (Just kidding.) One week we might talk about how we need a “Footloose” remake like your grandma needs sex (and she really needs sex), or offer up unfiltered commentary on my days as a Swedish Maid Penis Enlarger. (That was a long, long time ago, in George Lucas’ bathtub. Don’t ask. Really, I mean it. Don’t ask. Sorry, George, I didn’t mean it. NOOOOO!!!!!! And that’s how “Howard The Duck” got made.) But, before we begin, there are three things you need to know – #1 – This is ON THE SLATE with Mike De Luca. #2 – I am not producing a remake of “Point Break” (because I love you) – #3 – I did not see “Bucky Larson”, for I value life. Let’s begin…
In a world where “Highlander” is being remade and Hannibal Lector is getting his own television series, one often has the sneaking suspicion that, cinematically-speaking, the Nazis won WW2. And now it appears Mussolini is slurping up linguini with clam sauce. Yes, my friends, it is time for another glorious round-up of “WTF Remake News”!
“Doctor.” “Doctor.” “Doctor.” “Doctor.” If that means anything to you, you’ll have guessed that John Landis’ 1985 comedy “Spies Like Us” is getting fingered, I mean, remade. Yes, the original featured Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd, and future Mrs. Aykroyd Donna Dixon. It even had a Paul McCartney theme song. And now it’s being helmed by the dude who wrote and directed “Eurotrip”. Perhaps this is Landis’ punishment for making “Blues Brothers 2000”. But it doesn’t make it any less wrong. What’s next, a remake of “Three Amigos”? Shoot me in the face. (No, with a gun.) Further and further down the rabbit hole we go…
Say hello to my not-so-little friend. Yes, a penis joke. Surprise, surprise.(What column did you think you were reading?) In case you hadn’t heard, “Scarface” is being remade. The 1983 Al Pacino feel-good classic that taught us to never “get high on our own supply” and to always avoid chainsaws, is being warped away from the carnographic grandeur supplied by director Brian “I like Hitchcock and boobies” De Palma and Oliver “I want to fuck everything” Stone. And, at that heart of this act of violation, I mean, “reimagining”, is producer Martin Bregman, who gave us the original, as well as “Serpico” and “Dog Day Afternoon”. And “The Adventures of Pluto Nash”. And the “Carlito’s Way” prequel. Uh-oh. Someone wants a hug and an easy paycheck. Get ready for what will no doubt be a lame-ass PG-13 bullet festival with Taylor Lautner. (Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)
According to Mike Fleming of Deadline, “The film is not intended to be a remake or a sequel.” And my dick is a flying saucer. Next!
“Machine Gun Preacher” is what I used to call it. It’s “Bill Cosby” now. Beats “Fat Albert”. Moving on…
Did you ask for an Elton John biopic? No? Well, I didn’t ask for someone to make a prequel of “John Carpenter’s The Thing”, lamely adding Americans to a crew of Norwegians and swapping out Rob Bottin’s beautiful practical gore with dickless CGI and that guy from “Dumb and Dumberer :When Harry Met Lloyd”? No, I did not! But I love the “Rocketman”, so it could be worse. Elton John’s husband David Furnish is one of the producers, which means it will be no doubt be hard-hitting, and Elton’s “Billy Eliot” musical collaborator Lee Hall is scribe, which means it will look great in tights. I vote Justin Timberlake as Elton? Surely you recall his turn as a young Elton in the video for “This Train Don’t Stop Anymore“? That was 9 years ago, and it was spot-on. But the real question is – who will play Bernie Taupin, as he carries Elton away from the brink of despair (as chronicled in “Someone Saved My Life Tonight”)? It’s “four o’clock in the morning –dammit” and I would like to know. Oh, I know. Seth Rogen. Sorted. Next!
Isaac Asimov did your mom. But I am your father. Moving on…
Do you remember a little movie from 1986 called “Quicksilver”? You don’t remember it? That’s okay, because Kevin Bacon doesn’t want you to. It featured Bacon and Jamie Gertz and Lawrence Fishburne, and had Bacon on a bike delivering packages in San Francisco while dealing with interpersonal issues. Somewhere, years later, David Koepp no doubt came to the none-too-startling realization that when you have dudes doing tricks on bikes and the show ain’t “Breaking Away”, nobody wants to see that shit. Make it a thriller. Write and direct it yourself. And have Joseph Gordon-Levitt, everyone’s favorite unassuming action man to star in it. Dude can float in halls. Dude can get dumped by Zooey Deschanel. Dude can make you watch “Glee”. (Okay, I made that last one up.) What I’m getting at is you should check out the trailer for “Premium Rush“. Look into Michael Shannon’s creepy eyes….and obey. Next !
Oh, and, in case you care, there’s a new extended trailer for the Fincher version of “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”. Enjoy, but don’t love, or Noomi Rapace will punch you in the face. Got that?
Until next week, this is ON THE SLATE reminding you that what you saw was not a dream – it was just Alec Baldwin.
Now, go hunt for my Red October,