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Airtime: Thursday 9 PM CBS
By: Paul Gulyas, Contributor
This week’s episode was the perfect storm of UNDER THE DOME terrible-ness. Sub-par acting, sloppy storytelling, and groan-inducing dialogue. Join me, won’t you, as I tear apart another installment of this painful series!
We open on a freshly reunited Julia and Barbie, doing the smooching as the kids say. Barbie it seems has finally woken up and come out from under the influence of The Kinship and the evil Christine. “Love saved him,” Julia tells Big Jim later in the episode, which is just some of the cringe-worthy dialogue that got thrown around last night. Okay, maybe it’s true that “love” saved Barbie.
But if it is, that means that Julia and Barbie’s love (which was sparked 4 weeks ago, which began with Barbie murdering Julia’s husband, and which has been at odds as Barbie has been with another woman for a good part of one of those weeks) is stronger than that of the love between mother and daughter Carolyn and Norrie; Carolyn didn’t seem to be woken up by love until she got blown up and subsequently died. Because, oh wait, pain also snaps people out of it. Because the writers can not be consistent and tell a logical, linear tale with one set of rules.
Speaking of those rules, apparently Aktaion can come and go out of the Dome as they please, and it’s not even a big deal anymore. So little of a deal that a show that is about NINETY-FIVE PERCENT exposition did not feel the need to explain how or when a group of Aktaion agents entered. But luckily they bust into the funeral home just in time to save our heroes Big Jim, Hunter, and Norrie! Along with never-heard-of but conveniently appearing NEW head of Aktaion, Hector. They killed off who we knew as the actual head of Aktaion, Barbie’s father Don, a few episodes ago in an anti-climactic scene with his “daughter” Melonie. “But, oh wait, we still need a character to be the head of Aktaion, so here’s Hector, the ACTUAL secret head of Aktaion that we never mentioned or hinted at before,” the writers tell us. “DON’T ASK ANY QUESTIONS, AUDIENCE, JUST ACCEPT IT.”
After Hektor arrives, we’re treated to some really cheesy flashbacks of Hektor watching a scientist friend of his go insane after touching the Egg he pieced back together. “The Pink Stars are falling in lines!” Patrick the insane scientist shouts, a call back to a line we’ve heard since season one that ended up having absolutely no importance and making less sense. But he does also shout in one of his fits: “The war will begin after the queen is born!” Which is some new “subtle” exposition the writers have served up like a hot ladel of poop soup for the viewers. Ugh.
Speaking of the Queen being born, Eva is just blowing through her pregnancy, already looking 9 months after a single day. This is because Christine is having young virginal Chester’s Mill-ians, all dressed in white, touch Eva’s stomach and give her their energy to use to speed things along. And I mean all their energy. They die and are put in a mass grave when they’re used up. SIDENOTE: Where the F did they get those long, pristine, flowing white drapes to cover this barn Eva is about to give birth in? Seriously, somebody just HAD those? End SIDENOTE.
Joe was captured by Sam last week, who he bafflingly trusted after Sam murdered his beloved older sister in cold blood last season. Now The Kinship has Joe locked up. Junior is trying to get him to build the machine that will use sound waves to shatter the Dome, but Junior refused. But why would he not want the Dome to come down? Isn’t that what he’s been trying to do this entire series? What does he think will happen? He has no reason to think the insane Kinship will be able to do any impactful damage to the rest of the world outside the Dome. And why DOES Christine and The Kinship WANT the Dome down? And why DOESN’T Aktaion energy, even though Hektor knows there’s not a way out?
Everyone’s motivations are so convoluted, it’s making my head spin. But with this show, head-spinning is a blessing, as when my head is facing away from the TV it’s a sweet sweet relief from having my eyes fixed on this awful show. Here’s hoping the Dome comes down in the finale (oh wait, CBS already told us that was going to happen–phew) and the series bows out afterwards.
Paul co-created and writes for SHOWoff, a game that lets players predict what happens next on their favorite TV shows, earn points for what they get right, and see where they stack up against friends and the world (free in the iOS App store). Check out the SHOWoff app at playSHOWoff.com