Welcome To Aaron Sorkin’s Online Writing Academy (Not Affiliated With the University of Phoenix)

So I have a new mission in life. My screenwriting career has been going okay so far, but clearly, it’s not where it should be, so I’m going to take a class to improve my craft. There are plenty of them out there, from “experts” like Robert McKee and Syd Field and that Save the Cat guy, to actual writers like John August and Craig Mazin, but I have dismissed all of them, because now, at long last, I have found my mentor. Nay, my spirit animal.

I’m putting down 90 bucks to take an online course later this summer from the master himself, Aaron Sorkin.

Don’t you dare call this a cash grab for the man so many call a modern Shakespeare (something Sorkin would never say about himself, at least not in public), because that would be cynical, though it might actually be the kind of thing one of his characters might say or think.

I look forward to learning how to create a scene wherein said characters need to walk whilst talking. Also, to make them all spout the same witty, urbane, learned banter at a machine gun pace, so as to not allow the audience to actually spend too much time thinking about the fact that they all sound exactly alike. Likewise, to overuse the same phrases and words, in the same situations, no matter which character is speaking, like when someone points out a major event by declaring, “There it is!” Or when someone else says, “you think?” or “Not for nothing.”

I want to have my characters make grandiose, pretentious, didactic, overly dramatic, overwrought, puerilely idealistic speeches about what makes a man, or what used to make America great, or how God is an angry, vengeful prick, and then have callow romantics venerate it in self-important (and incorrectly titled) gifs like The Most Honest Three Minutes In Television History.

As well, I have been getting a fair amount of compliments lately on a recent script that features a female lead. She seems very real, I’m told, and that’s no good in Sorkinland. No, where my esteemed teacher comes from, women are secondary characters who are either shrill, weak or whiny, while also playing either the seductress to stronger, more central male characters, or the impediment to his achieving a higher understanding.

I learned this from The Newsroom. Also, Steve Jobs, Moneyball, The Social Network, Charlie Wilson’s War, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and Sports Night. Admittedly, this is a limited sample of his work, as there is at least one other TV show and a couple other major films that I don’t reference here, but my teacher does have an Oscar and four Emmys to his credit, which is good enough for me. Yes, I now learn from Professor Sorkin, who will show me the light and educate me on all things related to the crafting and creating of a cinematic story.

And, scene.

I don’t actually have anything against Aaron Sorkin. He’s an incredibly talented guy. Obviously very successful, too. He has an inimitable style, which is what got him to where he is.  It’s just that his work has gone to a level of sameness and self indulgence that can no longer be ignored. Don’t take my word for it, go ahead and try to watch The Newsroom without cringing. And, look, every writer has her or her particular ticks and habits, but when they start to become so obvious that they delve into self-parody, it becomes a problem. Seriously, there should be a supercut of this stuff. (Oh, wait, there is. A couple of them, in fact.)

You might notice in the preceding paragraph that I described Sorkin’s style as inimitable. That’s incontrovertible, right? I mean, everyone knows this. I certainly didn’t make up the word Sorkinesque (a fact of which I am exceedingly proud). But now he’s going to teach it? Sure. That should go well. A host of wannabe writers, most of whom, let’s face it, have trouble putting two coherent sentences together, are going to try to write the complex and intricate dialogue in which Sorkin specializes. I can’t wait to see the results of that.

At least he’s got the credits to back up the idea of him teaching, which is more than can be said for most. There are plenty of people out there teaching folks how to do creative things who probably have no business doing so, but that’s sort of out of my purview. What I find interesting is that Sorkin is teaching his class as part of the online education startup MasterClass, which also offers courses on singing from Christina Aguilera, performance from Usher, tennis from Serena Williams, writing from James Patterson and acting from both Kevin Spacey and Dustin Hoffman.

That’s certainly an impressive roster, I will admit, but it makes me wonder two things: first, what true masters like Hitchcock or Kubrick might have done with this kind of thing, and second, how one learns to play tennis over the interwebs. Also probably out of my purview, but worth mentioning.

This is far from the first time something like this has happened, of course (Michael Caine, for instance, offered a very famous filmed master class in acting 30 years ago, which features a rather infamous admonition against blinking), but this latest push to get famous folks to share their expertise definitely displays a move toward getting more and more education — be it formal or informal — online.

Mind you, no one is going to be trading in their Ivy League education for a degree from the University of Phoenix any time soon, nor, I imagine, would someone rather get their film school learning from the net instead of at NYU or USC, but for those who don’t have the wherewithal to actually attend one of these institutions of higher learning, places like MasterClass provide opportunities not previously available.

I’m sort of torn about this. On the one hand, a lot of the film school grads I meet tend toward the self-important auteur, but at least they also have a working knowledge of film and its history, something I happen to think is kind of important. On the other, I like the egalitarianism of being able to achieve your goals thanks to modern technology.

At least until some poor schnook misses a key Sorkin lecture on the intricacies of verbal pacing because the wifi is down at his local Coffee Bean. Then we’re all doomed.

Neil Turitz is a filmmaker and journalist who has spent close to two decades in the independent film world and writing about Hollywood. Aside from being a screenwriter/director and Tracking Board columnist, he is also a senior editor at SSN Insider.